Happy

How I Learned to Be Happy—and Lonely—at the Same Time

“Happy Monday!” said almost no one I knew.

Back when I was unemployed and searching for work, Sundays felt unbearably long and gloomy. Everyone else seemed to be resting in preparation for the week ahead, while I was simply... waiting. Waiting for change. For purpose. For a better tomorrow.

Now, I work as a caregiver, clocking anywhere between 45 to 70 hours a week depending on demand. Compared to the rigid 9-to-5 schedule I once had, the flexibility I have now feels like a breath of fresh air. No two days are the same, and with better management of my health and medication, I actually look forward to each morning and every shift.

Recently, I joked with someone who asked me for a referral to a wedding makeup artist. I told her, “Ask if they understand color theory. That’ll tell you if they’ll turn you into a goddess—or a clown.” She didn’t laugh, but inside I had to laugh at myself. Me? Giving makeup advice? I rarely even wear it.

That moment sparked something in me: What can I actually give advice on? What is my expertise?

The truth hit me in a bittersweet, quiet way.

I’m an expert in being lonely. And still being happy.

It sounds contradictory, but it’s not. My high level of independence has always masked loneliness. I filled that empty space with work, hobbies, distractions. On most days, it works. But on those quiet, nothing-to-do, gloomy days—the kind that stretch on endlessly—the void grows too large to cover. Sometimes, I can think my way out of it. Other times, the loneliness swallows me whole.

I recently read a New York Times article by Susan Dominus titled “How Nearly a Century of Happiness Research Led to One Big Finding.” The finding? “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

And here’s something I’ve never told anyone—something I once thought I’d take to my grave.

One night, I lay in bed hugging my stuffed Snorlax, crying from the unbearable pain in my head. I didn’t have health insurance yet to treat my schizophrenia. It felt like my entire neural network was on fire, with pain ricocheting inside my skull like a race with no finish line. I begged God to make it stop.

Then, suddenly, everything went still. I felt a heavy presence pressing down on my neck. A cool wave of relief washed through my head, as though a whisper had traveled through my ear and quieted every nerve. I knew a spirit was there—I didn’t know if it was kind or evil—but it didn’t matter. The pain was gone. Seconds later, I fell asleep. It was the most peaceful sleep of my life.

That moment became a turning point. A secret source of strength. A root I now anchor myself to when the darkness returns. Maybe that spirit pitied me, or maybe it was just grace. All I know is—I survived. And something in me believes I must be doing something right. I want the whole world to know how grateful I am to that spirit who took away that pain. Sincerely, thank you very much!

So, how can you be both happy and lonely?

I’ve asked myself that, especially in moments where I felt pathetic for wanting to be friends with people who didn’t feel the same about me. I was embarrassed, even ashamed of my own vulnerability. And in that shame, I uncovered the truth: my loneliness had become a weapon to those who disliked me—perhaps even envied me.

But I started asking myself: Do I really want fake friends standing at my funeral? Watching my final vulnerable moment, not out of love but curiosity—or satisfaction?

That thought hurt. But it also illuminated something I hadn’t seen clearly before. I was wasting energy on the wrong people.

Bit by bit, my independence reclaimed the wheel. My faith carried me the rest of the way. I learned to be content in solitude—and now I face a new dilemma: I’m no longer comfortable expressing happiness in front of others. Maybe it’s because I feel like I don’t have to prove anything. Maybe it’s because joy feels foreign in rooms where the vibe doesn’t match.

Still, if loneliness is your struggle, I have a few things I can share:

How to Be Happy When You’re Alone

• Express yourself. Start a blog. I use Squarespace—affordable and simple to maintain.

• Get support. English isn’t my first language, and I use ChatGPT to refine my writing and organize my thoughts. Use the tools that work for you.

• **Pursue hobbies—**unless your hobbies harm others. (Then maybe…don’t.)

• Practice positive self-talk. Be kind to others, but especially to yourself.

• Don’t compare yourself to anyone but your past self. Everyone has their own story and challenges. Especially if you're often alone, this mindset will keep you grounded.

• **Learn to love yourself—**even if others don't. When people called me a loser, I learned to love myself as a loser no one wanted to be friends with. Ironically, that self-acceptance made me stronger, and my productivity skyrocketed.

• Set beautiful goals. Explore the world. Save money. Travel, eat, and take in the scenery. Let the world remind you of its wonders.

• Have a good relationship with yourself. And if you're spiritual, have faith. Period.

  Article(s):

  1. How Nearly a Century of Happiness Research Led to One Big Finding - The New York Times